


Cube

by bornforwar_archivist



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-31
Updated: 2006-12-31
Packaged: 2020-03-13 06:57:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18935761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornforwar_archivist/pseuds/bornforwar_archivist
Summary: By Jade





	Cube

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Delenn, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Born For War](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Born_For_War), which closed in 2015. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Born For War collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bornforwar).
> 
> Disclaimers: Xena: Warrior Princess belongs MCA/Universal. No copyright infringement is intended and no monetary profit is being made.
> 
> Sex: There is none.
> 
> Language: Worse than a sailor's, Matey.
> 
> Spoilers: The 5th season. Specifically The Eve Arc.
> 
> Insensitive Jerk Disclaimer: I am one. This is an irreverent parody. That means it's supposed to be funny and if it's not funny to you, then we simply don't share the same sense of humor.

Xena held on to the wagon as it rolled off a surprisingly soft cliff. Having just watched Gabrielle slurp up some of Celesta's tears, and then passing out in a dead heap, she knew her friend would need help landing. She grabbed her shoulder, making it look good to the gods watching, then promptly let go as soon as they were over the cliff. _Pfft. I need to save myself here, Gab._

 _Ouch!_ she thought, as she landed in a pile of sand. She stood up and steadied herself. She spared Gabrielle a quick glance, before thinking about all the sex she was missing with Ares because of her. It was the only way she could get her eyes to water.

Randomly picking up pieces of debris and throwing them, she stopped short in front of the burning wagon. _Wow, one of them actually managed to hit us. I'm surprised. Oh, my big moment here. Have to pretend. Back to the bard._

"Gabr-iiiiiii-eeeeeeee-lle," she cried over her friend's lifeless form.

You're as still as Atyminius' last date. And now for the final act!

Giving the gods she now thought of affectionately as, "The Three Stooges", an angry look, and making sure it didn't change, she unsheathed her sword. "Each to his own! You to yours, and me to mine!"

 _Gods, cut the dramatics. We're on a schedule. I've got another prophecy to shatter in about twenty minutes,_ Athena thought.

Xena was about to shove her sword into her stomach when Ares appeared in front of her in a flash of blue light. _Whipped-O-Meter says you're at ten, Res. Whoo, you'd be pissed if you knew I called you that in my head._

Ares hit the sword out of her hand. "Xena, no."

Not after the bard is finally dead. It's like winning the lottery and dying the next day.

Before he could say, "Unfair!" a small vial appeared in her hand.

"You can't stop me this time," she said, looking entirely too serious for his tastes.

"Don't," he implored her.

By my skintight extremely sexy black leather pants! I'm begging!

Xena held the vial over her open mouth, and shook it. Nothing came out. Damn it! Gabrielle had gotten "thirsty" again and had gulped down all of Celesta's tears. For a moment Xena cursed her selfish best friend. _I hope someone sticks your ass in a giant ice cube coffin, Asshole!_ she thought. _Oh well, I'll have to wing it!_ Pretending to drink, she threw the vial on the ground and looked Ares in the eyes. "Tell your family it's a package deal. They get me too."

"Is this like a kill two, get one free deal?"

"Shut up and let me die dramatically!" Her head fell back and her body went limp. A moment later she opened her left eye. "And get your friggen hand off of my stomach! I'm dying now." She closed her eye. Ares' hand didn't leave her stomach, but instead trailed up it. She opened both eyes. "I said get your hand off me, and let me die in peace!"

"Sorry!" he said, taking his hand off of her.

He is sooooo whipped!

Athena, Hephaestus, and Hades watched, bored out of their godly minds.

"Say, I heard there's this chick in Sparta whose son means death to all pigeons!" Hades said.

"Well, let's go. This prophecy has been shattered, time for another," Athena said.

"I want to go work on my metal bra," Hephaestus whined. At Athena and Hades' looks he added, "What? It's not for me. You know someone has to clothe your army, Athena. Speaking of, you should probably invest more of your time in their training. Talk about not knowing how to hit a target."

"Shut up!"

Not looking back, the three gods disappeared.

Joxer ran out from his hiding space just in time to see Ares making off with Xena and Gabrielle's bodies. He sighed. _Like he had to take Gabrielle, too. He could've left her to me. To Joxer, I bequeath, Gab's fab abs._

Octavius rode up to where he was standing.

"If it's Gab's fab abs you came for, you're too late," Joxer said.

"Joxer, they're not dead," Octavius informed him.

"What?"

Octavius pulled out Eve from under his cape. "They're not dead. This is Eve."

"Oh. Ares took off with Xena and Gabrielle's dead bodies. You take care of Eve. After all, they hardly knew you and made you godsuncle. Must've meant something to them."

"Yeah, I'll ship the snot off to school or something."

"Use Fedxius."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

Ares, cradling Xena's body in his arms, walked through an aperture on Mt. Etna. The strangest feeling was running through his organic form. His heart was beating erratically in his chest, and up until the moment he watched Xena drink poison, he never even realized he had one of those. _I don't like it._

Placing Xena's dead weight into an ice coffin he had crafted himself, he checked to make sure Gabrielle wasn't somehow spying on him even in death, and stared at his old flame's lifeless body. _Even in death, you are still a hottie!_

 _Hey, it's kind of cold in here. I wonder where he carried me? I hope it's a meadow where we can fuck each other's brains out without Gabrielle hearing us and being all, 'Xena, what are you doing?' and then having to think of quick excuses. I hate that._ Xena surreptitiously cracked open an eyelid, only catching a glimpse of ice before closing it again. She hoped that Ares hadn't noticed.

Ares leaned down and kissed Xena's cold, blue lips.

Eeeeeeeeeeeew. EeeeeeeeeeeeeeW! I'm supposed to be dead and he's getting his groove on!

"When you were sacrificing yourself for others, you were hers," she heard him say. _Nah uh, Stella!_ she thought. "But when you were kicking ass, you were mine!" _Fair enough._

Xena was aware of Ares sliding a lid on top of her ice coffin, but thought nothing of it. It was too late to ruin the illusion now. Besides, it wasn't as if he'd locked the coffin, right? Comfortable that she wouldn't run out of air anytime soon, she fell asleep.

25 years later:

 _Gods it's hotter than Hades in the summer in here!_ Xena thought as she regained consciousness. She yawned widely, almost choking on an ice chunk that landed in her mouth. She banged on the ice sheet covering her. The ice seemed to hiss, then finally cracked open with the force of her blow. She sat straight up, and noticed that Gabrielle was still blissfully frozen in a nice shady part of the cave they were "buried" in. The sun, however, was fully focused on her ice bed and had started melting her. _Melting me? I've probably only been asleep for about ten minutes. How did I melt so fast?_

Xena stood up and jumped out of the coffin. Noticing a small bouquet of frozen flowers next to her chakram and sword, she felt all fuzzy inside. Not that she would ever tell anyone she had a "fuzzy" feeling. Especially not Gabrielle. The bard would make her sniff flowers forever if she knew. But Ares had actually given her funeral flowers and they weren't for Gabrielle or else her sais would've been included! Selfish gifts were the best!

She broke Gabrielle out of her ice prison and waited for her friend to wake up. It didn't happen.

Sighing, she hefted her friend's unconscious form over her shoulders and walked through a wall of snow. _To the nearest village!_ she thought, now wide-awake.

The nearest village was, well ... pretty damn nearby. Xena only had to drag Gabrielle a quarter of a mile down a steep slope before reaching it.

"Hey," Xena said a little breathy from all of her dragging.

The old woman she had spoken to her barely blinked at the sight of the two women. "Yeah?"

"Where am I?"

"You don't know?"

"Would I have asked you if I did?" Xena snapped.

"Hey, I don't need to take this kind of abuse from you, you hussy," the old woman said, walking away.

Xena dropped Gabrielle's arm and sat down beside her. If the people in this village were going to be rude, she would be an eyesore.

An old man poked her with a stick. "You okay Miss?"

"It's been years since I've been okay," she said sullenly. "Where am I?"

"At the foot of Mt. Etna," the old man replied.

"The volcano?" Xena jumped up, unaware of Gabrielle's muttering about not having a pillow.

"No, the mountain."

"Well Eli-fucking-christ!" Xena yelled. "How many friggen Mt. Etnas can there be? Never mind, don't answer that. Ares! Ares I know you're around here somewhere, you jerk-waude."

"Pfft, Ares hasn't been around here in years girlie."

"Years?" Xena asked, surprised.

"Right about the time the legendary Xena died."

A giant bell rang in Xena's head sounding the alarm. "Xena died? She's not dead! How long ago was that?"

"Twenty five years ago." He patted her on the shoulder. "It's okay you know. I've seen Xena too. I saw her about a year ago. No one believes me," he said in a whisper. "There have been Xena sightings everywhere. Her death is a myth. I think she pretended to be dead so the gods would leave her alone."

"Pretended?"

"Yeah she's an old cookie now. Calls herself Meg. Lives with some idiot, Joxer." He leaned down to whisper in her ear. "But once, I saw another Xena. She was two inches tall and she glowed an eerie green color. She threatened to probe me."

"Too much information! Joxer. Meg."

"That's what I said."

Xena decided to find out where Gabrielle had landed in her history. "What about Gabrielle?"

"Gabrie-who?"

Ah, life was good. She had taken a 25-year nap and her best friend didn't make it into her history. She yawned loudly and tugged on Gabrielle's arm.

"Do you want a carriage to cart your friend around?"

"No, she likes when I do things the hard way. Trust me." Xena started walking, dragging Gabrielle behind her. A moment later she gave up, and lifted Gabrielle in her arms. _She is so going to make me tons of those little dumplings with the red stuff inside for this!_

I will find Meg and I will find Joxer. Oh and Eve. Guess I shouldn't forget about her.

Xena dumped Gabrielle onto the floor of the "Chakram and Sai" tavern. She could hear Meg's grating voice already. She felt like smiling as she heard the old skank verbally abusing Joxer. _It's good to know that he's still being abused. Even if it's not by me._ Something about the tavern frightened her though. All around her were pictures of herself, images of her chakram. _Elidamnit! I got a new chakram, why is the old design still being used? I should sue their ass!_

"Hey Joxer, how's it hanging?" she said, startling the old fart as he served a customer what looked like a bard-burger. Served on a scroll. _Huh, clever._

"Xe-Xena?" Joxer asked, in total shock.

"That's my name. Don't wear it out."

"But you and Gabrielle are dead! Dead!"

"Nope, Gab's just passed out under your bar over there. Funny how that looks so normal."

~

Joxer, Xena and a passed out Gabrielle all sat together at a small table in the back of the tavern.

"It's really good to see you guys," Joxer said.

Xena thought about staying quiet, but then said, "It's almost good to see you."

"Why are you here?"

'That's funny. Why am I here again?'

"Eve maybe?" Joxer questioned.

"Shit, how could I forget that?" she asked.

"Probably for the same reason Gabrielle's still out cold."

"Hey buddy, we were out cold for twenty five years. I highly doubt a day or two ... " she looked at Gabrielle, "a week or two could affect her in a bad way. Besides, it's nice to hang out with her and have peace and quiet."

"Argo cheesed it, but she had a kid. I raised it on the off chance I would somehow meet up with you again. The little two inch Xena that I see at night that usually threatens me with probing told me that I had to raise it or suffer the 'probe.' You know?"

Xena stared at him blankly.

"Whatever," he said.

~

Xena sat astride Argo II with Gabrielle behind her, tied to her by the waist.

"Test drive's good, Joxer. I'm proud of you." She hit him on the nose. "Good on ya!"

Joxer gave her his best goofy look.

"Dad!" a strapping young man yelled, as he walked half-naked out of the barn.

"Boy! Xena, Gabrielle," he said including the bard like she was conscious. "This is my boy Virgil."

"Oh my ELI! You've procreated? Say it ain't so, Joxer. Say it ain't so!"

"It's _so_ SO!" Joxer said enthusiastically.

"Nice to meet you," Virgil said. He shook Gabrielle's hand, and stared at her sleeping form.

"She's tired," Xena said. "Anyway, I guess I'm off for Rome."

"I'll go with you. I can still cook poisonous stew with the best of them!" Joxer said. "Besides, you might get lost."

"If I got lost," Xena started testily, "Then I would simply sit in the middle of a village and wait for someone to poke me with a stick. How dare you insinuate that I don't know how to ask for directions!"

"Whoa. Prune juice?" Joxer grinned, then gave her the thumbs up. "That always cures Meg's 'spurts.'"

Joxer knew his way to Rome pretty well. Xena cast a suspicious glance his way. She had always thought you could never trust someone who knew their way to Rome in the dark, blindfolded, and who was old. From now on, she'd be on her guard.

Gabrielle, after three days of traveling, still hadn't woken up. Xena grimaced. _Celesta's tears must be some potent shit! I can't believe she drank it all on me!_

Xena kept Joxer and Virgil in charge of watching over Gabrielle when she noticed Octavius was now the new emperor of Rome. _Didn't think the little dweeb had it in him,_ she thought, knocking out a few of his soldiers' and pushing back a curtain that acted as a doorway.

"Octopus, where's my daughter?" as the words came out of her mouth, she noticed a large army bearing down on the city. Its leader was a woman, a young woman, about her daughter's age who was dressed like an evil skank ... like ... like she used to! Oh no!

"Octavius, Emperor of Rome, the army of Livia has brought you the spoils of war!" the young skanky leader yelled loudly.

Octavius thumbs upped her. "Totally cool! Way to go Liv!"

Xena pulled the curtain tie, making it drop. "I'm going to have to kill you now. Mother's honor and all that stuff."

"Hey come on! I put her up at boarding school and she's really smart and lethal now. Not my fault." He shrugged. "I want to marry her."

"What? I'm not even married yet! She can't get married before me."

"No offense, Xena, but I thought you and Gab were huge thespians!" Octavius said, trying to back out of the corner he now found himself backed into.

Xena gave him her most feral look. "I'm going to find a blanket," she said with a shiver. "I'm still not completely defrosted, and all this news is getting to me. I'll be back to kill you later," she assured him.

~

Xena met back up with Joxer, Virgil and Gabrielle. "Hey guys."

"Xena, I'm worried about Gabrielle," Joxer said. "She's been sleeping for 25 years and two weeks now."

"She's fine." Xena rolled her eyes. "I'm going to take an etching of the floor that Caesar died on. Stay out of trouble." She waved her finger at them in warning and walked away.

"Were they always like this, Dad?" Virgil asked his father.

"Like what, Son?"

"Well, Xena so ... indifferent and Gabrielle so ... uncommunicative?"

"Yep," Joxer said wistfully, remembering his abuse from years ago at the hands of his friends.

A soldier sporting a menacing look, at least, when one ignored his feathered helmet, approached them.

Addressing them, he asked, "Pay your respects to Livia. Dinars. Dinars!"

Joxer fished around in his pockets and handed the guard a lint ball. "Will that do?"

"No, I'm afraid we can't crush out the Eli worshippers with a lint ball," the soldier said sarcastically.

Just then Gabrielle's leg kicked out, catching the guard under the chin. Joxer looked down at her in surprise, he was holding her in his arms and she was still sleeping. Soldiers rushed at them, but Gabrielle quickly took down most of them.

"She's really drunk! Honey, daddy told you not to drink so much port." He giggled uncomfortably, hoping he wouldn't get placed in a Roman prison.

They were surrounded, but Gabrielle drooled a little bit and grabbed her sais. She was keeping up with a pretty brutal fight in her sleep, but then she let out a loud snore and crumbled in a ball on the ground. Joxer and Virgil were left staring at twenty sharp swords and the soldiers that wielded them.

"Told her not to drink so much port!" Joxer complained as they were lead to a Roman prison. "That's the last time I let your sister drink port!"

Xena was on her knees in the Senate's meeting room, desperately trying to find dried blood flakes on the blue marble floor when she stopped to wipe a bead of perspiration that was traveling down her forehead. She sighed in exasperation, pissed off about something she could sense. She didn't know how she always knew when her friends got in trouble, but she always did. They were probably in jail! _Well, I don't care. I'm finding some Caesar blood flakes before I leave and that's final!_

"Hey, anyone in here actually witness the asshole -- um, Caesar die?"

An old man shuffled over to where she was standing. "He died over there." He pointed two feet away.

"Cool! Now did you actually witness his death?"

"What are you, some kind of Grecian reporter or something?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I am," Xena said, without blinking. "I'm with Greece Today, and I'm doing an article on how good ole Julie kicked it."

The old man scratched at his pure white beard, and looked at her, confused. "They sure are making reporters young these days. You couldn't have even been five when Caesar died."

 _I slept with him. We had dinner! Guess what we had? Salad!_ Xena tried not to give him an irritated look. "Can we go somewhere and discuss his--" she did her best to look sad, "tragic death?"

"Of course. I'll buy you lunch." The old man glanced at the floor. "By the way, there's a blood flake over there."

"Where?" She squealed. "Where?!"

~

Joxer sniffed at the air delicately, then choked. The prison reeked horribly!

Gabrielle was still blissfully unaware of her surroundings. He gave her an aggravated glare. It wasn't fair! The smell didn't seem to bother her. She sighed contently in her sleep, then turned around and used a large, thug-life born guy as her pillow. Joxer did a double take when the thug smiled and played with the blonde's hair.

A young woman, dressed like Meg used to when she was younger, barged into the jail, looking eternally pissed off.

"Which one of you is fighting me in the arena for your freedom? No, never mind, you don't get a choice. I pick you!" She pointed at Virgil.

Gabrielle jerked in her sleep and raised her arm. Dreaming about playing "Warlord/Peasant" with Xena, she yelled out, "Pick me! Pick me you big, bad sexy hunk of warlord!"

Livia cocked her head, and stared at the sleeping woman. "Fine, it's your funeral." She shrugged, then left the cell, a guard slamming the barred door ominously behind her.

"Damn kids and their port!"

Xena picked at her salad. "What kind of salad is this again?" she asked the old man, whose name she learned was "Ed."

"A Caesar salad, named after the good man himself," Ed dutifully replied.

Xena almost choked. The bastard had a salad named after him?

"What? It's got Greek dressing. Thought you would like it."

"Are there pieces of Caesar in it?" she asked through gritted teeth. Ed gave her a dubious look. "Thought I'd ask." She sighed in boredom, then realized she still had a ton of questions to ask him. "So, did you ever hear of Xena?"

"Um, no."

"Damn!"

"Hey, are you a real reporter? Because I've never seen one with brass boobies before," Ed said, staring at her breastplate.

Smoothly changing the subject without answering him, she asked, "So you were there when Caesar died. How many times did he get stabbed?" She pantomimed a dagger stabbing downward and waited expectantly for an answer.

"I lost count."

"Fantastic!" She used her wooden fork to stab downward and catch herself a slice of cucumber. "Now what were his last words?"

"Et Tu, Brutus?"

She chewed the piece of cucumber slowly, then swallowed it before asking, "Then what happened?"

"Then Brutus stabbed him one last time and he fell dead to the ground."

"Right on! I still say he should've been crucified."

"What?"

"Oh nothing. Hey, Ed. Thanks for the murder chat and the grub. It was nice to meet ya."

"Um, you too, Missy. Say, you should visit the coliseum. That might make you feel closer to Caesar."

"Good idea, Eddie. Thanks for lunch!" She patted him on the back and walked out of the small tavern.

 _Strange woman,_ he thought.

~

Xena walked to the Coliseum. _Man, Rome stinks!_ she thought, covering her nose. She climbed the stairs until she reached the last row of stone benches and opened the door to get into the good seats. She fully intended to take a nap on the hard stone bench, but instead looked down into the arena, as the noise of weapons clashing wafted up to her ears.

Ares and Eve were fighting, but it was with the sexual undertone that he usually only fought her with. She didn't know whether to be extremely pissed at her or at Ares or at both of them!

Her chakram almost cutting his lips off stopped Ares from kissing Eve. Xena jumped from where she stood to the ground next to him. She unsheathed her sword and waited for him to move. _Bastard looks like he crapped himself,_ she thought.

Eve was giving her a look such an insolent stare she felt like being the mother she was and smacking it off of her.

"X-Xena?" Ares said, his voice tinged with disbelief.

"Duh!" she said.

He walked through her sword, running himself through with it. Xena knew he did it because it made him tingle, and at the moment that bothered her more than him leaning over trying to kiss her.

"Who are you?" Livia asked in a squeaky voice. "And why did you try to kiss her?" she asked Ares.

"Uh, gotta go!" Ares said, disappearing in a flash of blue light.

"Me too!" Xena said, sparing one last look at her daughter, before running out of the Coliseum. It was time to find her friends and figure out the next move in the plan. Of course, she was the only one who knew the plan, but that wouldn't stop her from asking her friends their opinion and nodding her head like it mattered.

Octavius almost peed himself when Xena appeared in his office. "Don't worry, I'm not here to kill you." She narrowed her eyes. "Yet anyway. And no, I'm still not defrosted and yes, that's why I have this blue tinge to my otherwise flawless complexion."

Octavius said nothing.

"'Kay, here's the deal. My kid is screwing my old boyfriend. I don't understand this. I didn't grow up in a mud house park! Anyway, since you love her and all, you can watch as she becomes devastated as I suck face with my old flame. Okay?"

Octavius nodded his head yes.

"Good. Be at the bacchanalia and watch for my signal."

"What will your signal be?" he finally asked her.

"Me not killing you. Be there," she said sweetly, before exiting the room.

~

The bacchanalia bash was in full swing when Xena joined in the fun dressed as a servant girl. She was freezing, and not at all thrilled with the idea of serving wine to drunk Romans or a still too damn hot God of War.

She gave Octavius "the look" as she sauntered over to Ares, who for some reason, was laying on a divan.

"Hit me!" he said. She did, full force. The wine pitcher, made in Ch'in from cheap materials and hard labor, broke on impact drenching the god of war with its red juicy goodness. "Xena!"

"Long time no suck face. Let's get it on," she said eloquently, grabbing his face and licking the wine off of it.

"You're the same old lush!" he said, excited. "But um, I thought you were dead. What happened? I mourned you, Xena! I mourned you. I dressed in Gabrielle's outfit, with a little black veil number, looked all sad and mopey and then sang your funeral dirge over your ice block!"

"Not to mention you kissed the dead you necrophiliac!"

Ares looked astounded. "You were awake! Why did you sleep for twenty five years then?"

"I was _really_ tired!"

Noticing that Livia and Octavius had finally arrived, she grabbed Ares and shoved her tongue down his throat. Ares didn't seem to mind.

Livia looked devastated, and Octavius was giving the display a thumbs down. "Bad form! Bad direction! Look at that slobber! I've seen St. Bernards with less drool than that! One thumbs down! And that's bad, mind you. Bad!" He paused, then addressed Livia. "You and that jerk-waude? I'd rather give Rome to that little glowing Xena that visits me at night and threatens me with a probing!"

~

Xena was in the middle of a five mile run down a long corridor in Caesar's palace, when she sensed something. She was about to stand by the door of Caesar's old office and relive moments from the past, when Ares appeared.

"You know, you really should ask people before you appear in front of them. What if I was naked?"

"I can disappear and reappear if you want to test out that question," Ares said. He searched her face for the truth, already knowing that she was trying to play him. "Livia is Eve. I'm not stupid. I did just figure it out now though. If I had known I wouldn't have done her, honest!" He hoped that she would buy it.

"Oh that's just swell," Xena said. "You're corrupting her the way you corrupted me, and quite frankly that makes me uncomfortable. I thought *I* was the only one you wanted to conquer the world with?"

"You were dead!" he protested.

"Irrelevant!" She turned around to leave, but he was in her face again.

"Hey, where's Gabrielle anyway? I kind of expect the old ball and chain to be firmly clasped around your ankle."

"The ball and chain ... " she sighed, "Gabrielle is still sleeping."

"Celestia's tears must be some potent shit!" Ares said.

Xena pouted. "The bitch didn't even share!"

"Oh so that's why that whole suicide/sleeping thing went wrong, huh?"

"No. We still got buried in ice for twenty five years."

"But you're here! Always the pessimist! Anyway, I'm sure you're going to see little Evil now ... oops, I meant Eve. I'll be back to bother you later," he said, disappearing.

~

Xena found Eve in her room, trashing the place.

"You will stop trashing this room this instant!" Xena said in a motherly tone. She gagged as the sickening tone left her mouth. "Ugh! My Gods, I'm a mother."

Xena picked up a nearby vase and threw it into a wall, destroying it.

"What are you talking about?" Livia asked, eyeing her warily.

"I'm your mom," Xena said simply. "I know, surprised the holy Hell out of me too."

"You can't be my mother. You're like five years older than me!" Eve threw a knife at Xena's head, which Xena caught before it could whiz by her.

"Work on your aim. Who trained you, The Pomira?" Xena gave her a blank look. "Hey, I was stuck in an ice cube for twenty five years. If you don't believe me, touch me!"

Eve hesitantly reached out and touched Xena's arm. "Sweet mother of Eli, you're as cold as Gabrielle is to Joxer. Hey, who the heck are they?"

"Eve, you're beginning to remember!" Xena said, excited.

"No I'm not. I hate you! And my name is Livia!"

Xena shrugged. "Suit yourself." She left the room, closing the broken door behind her.

The arena was sold out! Xena put on her silver armor, loaners from Octavius' army, and prepared herself mentally to do war with her daughter. _In case of a fire: stop, drop and roll!_

Livia had already gone out into the arena, and it was her turn to make an entrance. Xena was known as the Champion of the People of Eli, and she had to admit that title didn't bode well for her already established titles of "Destroyer of Nations" "Warrior Princess of Calmai" and her personal favorite, "The Death Trap 5."

Xena, while fighting with the punk that was her daughter, was sure to call out her name numerous times loudly, even though she didn't want anyone to know it was Eve. When she finally had her pinned with her magic fingers, she waited for Eve to give up.

"Just kill me!" Livia cried.

"I'm so tempted!" Xena said.

She looked over at Octavius, who was trying to gauge the reaction of the crowd. Gabrielle had cried out, "Life for us all!" in her sleep again, no less! Xena wondered if Gabrielle was faking it, like she did other things, but quickly forgot about it when Octavius gave her the thumbs up.

"Great form! I truly believe you love her! You're quite a thespian!" he said over the roaring crowd.

Xena beamed up at him.

"One thumb up!" he yelled again.

"I'm still going to kill you!" she yelled back at him, making him scramble to get out of the best seats in the house.

Livia watched as villagers were made to kneel in a line in front of her by her loyal soldiers. One old man in particular caught her fancy. He was a rebel, she could tell by the way he held his head and shaved his silvery whiskers.

"We've survived worse than you, Livia! We've survived through Callisto's raids!"

"Callisto? She's so 25 years ago! How dare you compare my killing techniques to that ditz!" She paused a moment, to collect her breath. Her outburst had made her a tad thirsty. "I'm going to kill every last one of you Eli worshippers," she said, waving her sword back and forth. "And when I'm done, your blood will stain my red spandex pants!"

"Bad fashion choice," the old rebel said.

"Oh dude, now I definitely have to cut your head off!" she said, doing exactly that. "Take that as a lesson, Eli worshippers. Don't mock the fashion sense of the person holding a sword over your head. Idiot!"

~

Crucifixes lined the entire village, much like they had on a beach 35 winters ago. Xena shivered as she remembered her own crucifixion at the hands of Caesar, Julius Caesar. It always sucked when you were almost killed by a guy more girlie than you were. She could never pick a twink from the crowd. She glanced at Gabrielle, as though she were proving her own theory to herself.

A loud sobbing could be heard over the cackle of vultures that circled above their heads. She hoped it wasn't anyone she knew, as she turned to stare at a sign written in blood. "Rome needs no mother," she said softly. _Why that little shit! She is so grounded! How dare she deny me. I'm the coolest!_

"My daughter did this!" Xena said loudly, in case there were any survivors. "My daughter! She did this!" she said again.

Gabrielle snored loudly in warning. And Joxer and Virgil looked out of place.

"You uh, might not want to advertise, Xena," Joxer said in a much lower tone of voice.

The sobbing increased in volume and Xena finally noticed its source. An older woman was cradling a stiff, and crying over it. "Are you Xena?" she asked, attaching a strangled half sob to the question.

"That depends. If I say yes will you spit on me?" Xena questioned.

The woman seemed to think about it, crossed her fingers behind her back and said, "No."

"Yeah, then I'm Xena," she admitted.

The glob of spit that hit her face was unpleasant, though not entirely unexpected. Xena used Gabrielle's hand to wipe it off, and tried not to look like she was going to kill the grieving villager.

"Your daughter killed my people. My husband, and my children! And when asked why she said, 'Ask Xena. Ask my mother!'"

"I'm sorry!" Xena said, throwing Gabrielle's hand back at her, and stalking off, not allowing the woman to say anymore. "I hate being a parent!"

"I enjoyed it before your offspring killed mine!" the spitter, formerly known as the older woman said.

Xena ignored the woman, and continued to walk down the row of crosses by herself. She walked until she was alone, then stared up at a cross. _Hope you don't mind if I lean against your cross, buddy. Because I definitely know now, that the breakfast Roman Candle drink wasn't the best idea I've had in a couple of decades or so. Who knew that mead and henbane were so toxic when put together?_ she thought as she leaned against the cross.

Ares popped up. From where, she didn't know. But she figured he was only there to bother her and concentrated on ignoring him.

"Livia's almost up to your death toll. Jealous much?" he asked.

"Shut up," she said irritably.

"Ooh, struck a nerve."

"It's just not fair. I mean, do you know how many years I worked to get to one hundred fifty six thousand five hundred and sixty three dead?"

"Uh, yeah!"

"And then I get knocked out of the picture for twenty five years ... " she shot him a look, "thanks so much for that, by the way. And now, and now my very own pipsqueak is trying to usurp my death count record! Not fucking fair!"

"Hey, I can stop her if you get jiggy with me."

"Jiggy?"

"C'mon!" He shortened the distance between them in record time, and grabbed her by her upper arms. "Give me a child, and I'll make sure your record is unbeatable."

"You stink. Take a bath, and I might consider it."

"I don't stink!"

"Must be me," she said, sniffing her armpits. "Anyway, I'm not willing to go through nine months of torture for my ten years of excellent warlord work."

"Really?"

"Fine!" She grabbed Ares' face and kissed him.

Xena was aware that Ares was about to unhook her breastplate when Joxer cleared his throat. "Uh Xena, could you not have sex with the god of war near my dead friend?"

Xena rolled her eyes, and re-hooked her breastplate. "Fine Joxer. Whatever you say Joxer. Ruin what was turning out to be a pretty decent day. I mean Jesus Christ!"

"Um, who's that?" Joxer asked.

"Never mind." Xena glanced at Ares. "Get lost, Puppy. The moment's gone."

Xena walked by "The Spitter" again, making sure to stay out of her line of fire. She collected the still unconscious Gabrielle and turned around to face Joxer and Virgil. "Let's go. It's starting to smell like dinner at Prince Vlad's around here."

Virgil gestured to the people still attached to crosses. "What about them?"

"They're bird food, Virgil. Woe, it is the nature of the earth. Let's go. I'm fucking starving!"

Watching Xena carry Gabrielle out of the wiped out village, it was all Virgil could do not to cry. "Dad was she always --"

"Yes, son. She was," Joxer said. He clapped Virgil's shoulders and said, "Hey, let's go. Time for lunch. I'm famished." Joxer looked at the grieving spitter. "Hey lady, you hungry? I'm buying."

The villager spit in his direction, and flipped him the bird. "Heathen!" she yelled.

Joxer raised an eyebrow. "Sheesh, what's with her?" he asked Virgil. "Oh well, her loss."

~

The camp was active all around her, unlike the village she just destroyed. Grabbing a wineskin, she gulped like there was no tomorrow, not even stopping when the God of War showed up behind her.

"You're so much like your mother, you have no idea!" he said, spying the wineskin.

"Why don't you go back to Mommy? Since you love her and all," Livia said.

"Look, your mommy doesn't want to do me anymore, and well, that complicates things. So what I need you to do is kill her." Ares looked at the sun. "Preferably in a few hours. I'm on a clock."

"Whose clock?"

"My own."

"What if I said I wasn't going to kill her? Maybe I want someone to smother me with their love."

Ares laughed. "Sure. Whatever."

"Aren't you afraid of the prophecy?" Livia asked with a devilish glint in her eyes.

"Not really. You see, Zeus died because Herc stuck it to him with Grandpa's rib. Hera vanished because she helped him. Still not sure where she is... and you've been around for twenty five years and ... NOTHING!"

"Stop rubbing it in!" Livia whined, reaching for her wineskin again.

Ares held it away from her. "So what do you say? Are you going to pull a little stalk and chop on mommy?"

"Humph. Fine."

Ares watched as Livia walked away from him. "Well, that was easy."

They had stopped on the road for a breather. Joxer and Virgil had gone to a nearby stream to fill their water gourds, and for the first time in a while Xena was left alone with the slumbering Gabrielle.

"This is so not fair. I mean, for the first time ever *I* want to sit down and have one of those really lame sentimental chats and you're conked out like Mom twenty minutes into her Solstice bash." Xena sniffled. "I miss Mom!"

Gabrielle snored, and shifted more comfortably against the tree she had been leaned against. Seeming to realize she was against a tree, she unconsciously found a rock and began to beat against it. Xena sighed, and removed the rock from her friend's hand.

"Seriously Gabrielle! I mean, who better than your own mom to ask mom type questions to, you know? I have no one to ask these questions to ... again! Like for example, 'Mom, my daughter turned into one of those freaky serial killer types. You have experience with that. What should I do?' of course, she'd only ask me who her father was again." Xena grimaced. "Or even better, 'Mom, I've recently discovered that my daughter is bumping uglies with the God of War, who you know I used to bump uglies with. How should I handle this?'" Xena smiled when she thought of what Cyrene's answer would undoubtedly be: "Drink a barrel of mead and it'll all seem better in the morning."

Xena picked up Gabrielle and hefted her over her shoulders when she realized Joxer and Virgil were back from the stream. She would find her daughter, and she would make her wish that she was still in that ice cube!

~

They found Eve only a short while later, lucky for Xena and her back. She dumped Gabrielle into Joxer and Virgil's arms.

"Listen up, Missy. You're so not crucifying that old person."

"You can't stop me!" Livia said.

"Watch me!"

Mother and daughter started to fight. Ares showed up, excited by the cat fight.

"Kill her, Livia! Kill her!" Ares yelled.

Livia had Xena pinned on the ground, and had a dagger above her head. "Well Mommy, I guess it's time to show you who's the parent in this relationship!" She was ready to stab down, but Xena pushed her off of her before she could land the blow.

Xena looked at the dagger, and then at Eve. "I think ... someone needs ... a TIME OUT!"

A villager crept behind Eve, ready to kill her. Xena stopped him from stabbing downward, and told Eve it was all right five hundred times in a row. Eve stalked off, but seemed dismayed by the fact that Xena cared for her.

"Why did you let her go?" the villager asked. "She killed my family."

"Oh please. She's killed everyone's family. I'm sick of hearing it." Completely dismissing the villager's anger with Eve, Xena asked him, "So, where's a good place to eat around here?"

Ares walked through a large fire like it didn't even exist and addressed Xena. "So, what does it feel like knowing that someone you love despises you?"

"I don't know. I would *love* to ask my mother, but she kicked it before I thawed," Xena replied. If her answer bothered him, Xena really could care less. "So, you want to go get something to eat, ya big lug?" she asked him.

"So you're not mad about me trying to turn Eve against you?" Ares scratched his goatee while waiting for an answer.

"Nah! Blood under the bridge, you know? Besides, I'm pretty sure it wasn't that hard. I thought all girls were born with the need to hate their mothers. So let's eat!"

Ares raised an eyebrow. "Cool!"

They were sitting around a campfire eating roasted boar when Gabrielle finally shuddered, yawned, knocked out Joxer and Virgil and woke up. Xena gave a silent prayer to Eli and quickly apologized in her mind for asking him, "Where's your infinite love?" like he knew where it was. She would no longer have to carry Gabrielle everywhere they went.

Gabrielle wiped at some drool that had somehow found its way into her cleavage. "I know this drool isn't mine!" she said irritably. "Xena?"

"It wasn't me," Xena informed her.

"Joxer?"

"Okay, okay. So it was me!" He wheezed, then added, "But I'm old. Old people drool Gabrielle!"

Gabrielle couldn't hold back the rage she'd been carrying for over twenty five years. She punched Joxer right on his hipbone.

He crumbled into a heap on the ground.

"Oh my hip! You've broken my hip. Why I oughta!" He went to strangle Gabrielle, limping on one leg to get to her, but Virgil held him back.

"How's that for being bitchy?!" Gabrielle said, aiming her fist at his other hip.

"Dad! Gabrielle!" Virgil cried.

Xena watched the scene in front of her disinterested. "Remind me ... never to get old."

"Xena," Gabrielle started, momentarily forgetting about breaking Joxer's other hip, "How did I get here?"

"Well Gabrielle, we were stuck in ice cube coffins for twenty five years. You were stoned and I was really tired. Anyway, I broke us out after we thawed, dragged your ass down a mountain, through three villages and most of Rome ... and now I'm trying to get Eve to stop being evil."

Gabrielle yawned. "Just kill her." She waved her hand back and forth. "I mean, is it really worth the effort?"

"What about how I changed?" Xena asked, near tears.

"Well yeah, but I didn't really help all that much. Hercules did all the hard stuff. I mean, seriously. If you and I were fighting when you were still evil I wouldn't have tried to save you. Even if you insinuated that you wanted to build a wall with me. So, you know? Anyway, you want me to do it, ya pussy?"

"You always know how to hurt me!" Xena said, standing up and unsheathing her sword. "I'll kill you!"

Joxer grabbed Xena's sword arm in an attempt to stop her, not expecting the fist the made contact with his good hip. It cracked under the force, and he fell down.

Xena threw her sword down and motioned to Joxer. "Now look what you made me do!"

"Ow! My other hip! You've broken my other hip! Why I oughta!"

Ares' evil laughter rang out across the clearing. "This is really great. I wish I had more dinners with you guys."

Xena had gone for a ride, and when she finally got back to camp everyone was gone. Even Ares! This should have disturbed her, but it didn't. She smoothed out her bedroll and prepared for a good night's sleep. Her eyes were closed as soon as her head hit the rock she was using as a pillow.

~

Gabrielle stood tied up in the middle of Livia's camp. She was blind to the irony of the situation. Exactly four years ago she was in Callisto's camp tied up. Okay, twenty nine years ago. Still, times hadn't changed all that much. When did it become so hard to communicate with people? Why was their reaction always one of knives and rope? It just wasn't fair.

So now here she was, waiting for Xena to save her yet again. She pouted when she realized she'd probably be doing the dishes for months, the cost of being saved. She contemplated sleeping again, when she noticed an idiot in the bushes. Why ... it was Joxer! What were the odds of that happening?! While she watched, he took out a soldier with a rock and a piece of wood.

"Wow, this is the first time you've ever really saved me quite so well, ya old fart!" Gabrielle said.

"I'm not done yet!" Joxer said, cutting the ropes around her wrists.

"No, you're not, because you're going to die!" Livia said in her best I'm-Evil-And-YOU-MUST-believe-me voice.

~

Xena woke up, instinctively knowing that something bad was going to happen. Shaking it off, she rolled over and went back to sleep. "Fucking unreal..." she muttered in her sleep.

~

Livia thrust her sword as far as it could go into Joxer. "You're done now!"

Joxer didn't quite know where he should be clutching. His two broken hips or the gaping hole in his stomach. He fell to the ground, and looked up at the faces around him in shock.

"Dad!" Virgil yelled.

"Son, when did you get here?" he asked.

"I've been here!" Virgil said.

"And you let your father get a sword to the gut?" Joxer hit Virgil upside his head. "Idiot!"

Gabrielle did her best to cry, pinching herself as hard as she could to get the liquid to fall from her eyes. "Joxer, why?" she asked.

Eve rolled her eyes at the display and walked away. Her work was done for the day.

Joxer clutched Gabrielle's hand. "I didn't ... want to disappoint you."

"You didn't. I'm glad this happened. I mean, well not glad per se, but ... shit you're old anyway. Die already! You're taking entirely too long." Joxer wheezed and gave her puppy dog eyes. "I'll miss abusing you, Joxer." And that was the truth.

"I'll miss ..." he wheezed again. "I'll miss being the recipient of your rage, Gabby. I guess it's just trees for you from now on." And with those words, Joxer died.

"Well, bite my ass and call me Ares! Xena does," Gabrielle said staring at her dead friend. "This wasn't supposed to happen."

"Dad! Dad!" Virgil said over and over again.

"Now that your dad is dead can you leave? You're massively cramping my digs with Xena here, you know?"

Virgil gave her a deadly look, so she grabbed one of Joxer's arms and started dragging. "Well, back to the campsite we go. Say, it would've been nice for Xena to show up, huh? Lazy, lazy, lazy."

Xena was still sleeping when they finally made it back to camp. She had a bearskin pelt over her head, and her legs were sticking out from underneath it dangerously close to the campfire. Every few seconds she would let out a delicate sounding snore.

Gabrielle tried to be loud by being herself, and when she realized that wouldn't be enough to wake up the warrior princess, she tried different tactics. Leaning close to Xena's ear, she whispered, "Xena, I think we've been together long enough. It's time to become life-mates. What do you say we go to the nearest Amazon village and get hitched?"

Xena's snore was interrupted, and her eyes opened wide upon hearing the words. She remained silent waiting for Gabrielle to say something else.

"Joxer's dead!" Gabrielle said, pinching herself again.

"That's too bad. I knew it was going to be one of you," Xena said, turning her back to the bard and trying to go back to sleep.

"Xena!" Gabrielle whined out, sure to make it grating to the ears.

Xena got up sluggishly, and addressed Virgil. "Sorry. Bury him, bring him home, just do something with him." Then she stalked off from the campsite.

Gabrielle spared a glance in Virgil's direction. "You heard her!"

~

Xena walked out into the middle of a large field and sat next to an oddly shaped tree.

"Eli, you know I don't pray. But where is your infinite love and why can't I find it? I keep asking, and do I get an answer? NO! Now tell me, where is it? I want it. You smiled at me! You must like me. So, infinite, love? All that jazz?"

She stood up and shook her sword up at the heavens. "You know what? I don't want to know anyway! Loser!"

~

Xena, Gabrielle and Virgil now waited dressed up like monks for Livia and her soldiers to attempt killing them.

Fighting commenced and before Xena knew what had happened she was laying beneath Livia with a dagger at her throat.

"Eli," she said dramatically. "Save my daughter. Oh, and tell me where to find your infinite love, please."

Time seemed to slow as a beam of light filtered down from the Heavens and encompassed them. "This isn't Star Trekius! What's with the special effects?!" Xena asked from within the beam.

Livia said nothing, as she was overcome with images of herself as a baby with her mother, the woman who was entombed in ice and her other mother. She dropped the dagger, and looked at Xena. She felt ... seriously creeped out.

"What have I done?" she asked, her voice shaking. "And who is my father? I didn't see any daddy in there!"

Xena remained silent, but shrugged her shoulders.

"Daddy?"

Xena shrugged her shoulders again. "Gabrielle's your daddy."

Livia ran out of the temple shrieking, almost getting skewered by one of Virgil's daggers.

Xena watched her go. She finally noticed that the beam of light hadn't left yet. "Hey, get lost. I'm done needing you."

"Xena," a voice boomed out through the temple. "My infinite love is ..."

"What part of get lost do you not understand?" Xena asked.

"Suit yourself," the voice said, as the beam of light disappeared.

"Oh shit!" Xena slapped herself on the forehead.

"So, what's up with Livia now?" Gabrielle wondered.

"She called herself Eve."

"That's cool."

"Gabrielle?"

"Yes, Xena?"

"How long have you really been awake for?"

"Since you cracked me out of the ice coffin."

"Thought so."

"So what's next for us?"

"I don't know. Some time off, I guess. We should probably go visit Meg and give her back her dead husband. Oh, and we should definitely make sure to burn down her only source of income. I'd really like to kill some gods while I'm at it."

"Which gods? Ares?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't know."

"Xeeeeeeeeeee-nah."

"What?"

"You have to kill him."

"I do not!"

"But I don't _like_ him."

"Well neither of us liked Joxer either, but we let him go when he was supposed to." Xena paused. "You didn't hear that Virgil."

The End


End file.
